Accepting You’re Not Okay

So normally when I write my posts I don’t publish them for a few weeks and will work on them for a while, but tonight I’m writing this and I’m going to publish it right away. No rereading and editing. No rewording. Purely written from the heart.

There’s no denying the past few months I have been on a sort of steady decline as a person. I think its sort of been that way since I moved to Toronto but it wasn’t so bad before. But ever since March I feel like as time goes on I’ve just gotten worse and worse to the point where I can sit here and admit that fuck.. I’m really not okay. But I want to change. I want to be better.

In life in general I have dealt with a lot of shit and I’ve always been the person to just kind of sit there and accept it. I’m not confrontational. Some would say I ignore my problems. I just cut people out and I let that be the end of it without any closure. And I let it bother me for fucking EVER. I suck at letting go and I suck at dealing with problems. Whenever I do try and confront someone, I never seem to be told when I want to hear, so then I refuse to accept what they’ve had to say. I imagine scenarios that are never going to happen and legitimately let myself get disappointed when they don’t. And I drink. A lot. And I say shit I shouldn’t and do things I shouldn’t. But it’s never been as bad as it has been lately.

I don’t want to go into what happened, but a situation in March just completely broke me. I was already feeling down about life in general, failed relationships, and I had a pretty rough winter. Things were just shitty and hard in general and I already wasn’t doing the best. But I always had a really close friend there to help support me and bring me back up, someone who I loved beyond words and thought I’d be close to for a really long time.

I was wrong. And I was hurt and I felt so betrayed. And then I broke completely.

I began drinking way too much, I would secretly get high at work, I would do anything to numb myself and try and think about anything but what had happened. I would completely just zone myself the fuck out. I just felt like that was it. I’ve obviously never had good luck with relationships, but to know that I also had bad luck with friendships. To know the person closest to you lied to your face, and did something knowing it would hurt you while you’re already not in the best mindset… I just couldn’t do it. But I also couldn’t escape it. I never had time to separate myself completely and heal. I never talked it out because it hurt too much to even think about, there was no way I wanted to talk about it. It made me feel so completely sick and I had already gone through so much bullshit in the recent months. I just straight up couldn’t handle it.

And then I basically became a psychopath, at least when I was drunk.

While I admit I can be immature at times, say too much, and be sort of a bitch I’ve never thought of myself as “crazy”. But lately all I can think is fuck, not only am I crazy, I’m a complete fucking lunatic. The second I’d be drunk alone I’d be freaking the fuck out, the second certain people would text me or be around me I’d be freaking the fuck out. I’ve sent more spam drunk calls in the past month than I think I sent calls in total last year. This has never, ever been who I was. And I don’t want this to be who I am.

Unfortunately I think I fucked up too much at this point to have some people see me as anything other than that girl that gets fucking psycho when she drinks. Which is a shame. Its not who I am but its always the bad impressions that stick with people. I think I’ve realized I’ve been sort of on this path for a while, but it also took me time to kind of accept it and truly acknowledge it. I’m tired of being this person. I hate who I’m becoming when I drink. I refill my cup before its even empty. I drink my drinks faster than it takes me to order them. I lose count of how many I’ve had within an hour or two. I’ve always been a drinker, but I was always a fun drunk who knew what I was doing, who would send the funny drunk texts or selfies. Not the 20 phone calls in a row with another 10 bitchy texts.

Everyone is going to have hard times in life and I am so SO thankful for the amazing friends who have stuck by me, who have dealt with me calling them sobbing over nothing, who have dealt with me texting them about the same issues over and over. Who have stopped me from doing stupid things. Who have paid for my cabs to get home when I’m piss drunk about to walk home while I have barely any idea where I am. Who have literally held me while I cried over the same issue for months. I’m so sorry to everyone I hurt and annoyed in this time. I’m so sorry for the person I become. I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from becoming the way that I have been the past few months.

This isn’t going to be an overnight change and its going to take some time, but I want to be so much more healthier as a person. This time last year I was probably the most confident I have ever been. I want to get back to that. I want to be able to go out and get myself home. I want to be able to accept rejection. I want to cook more. I want to eat healthier. I want to explore, travel, hike, enjoy the outdoors. I want to actually be able to afford to fix my phone that I smashed because I was mad that I didn’t get a text back (drunk, obviously.) I want to be able to afford more organic foods and interesting, natural ingredients. I want to be able to afford more tattoos. I want so much more than to be depressed and drunk most days of the week, crying in bed over shit that shouldn’t matter to me as much as it does. I want so much more than to be that annoying as fuck drunk girl. And I want to be seen as so much more than that.

This week I chose buying a 40 of vodka over food. I drank over half of it in one night on an almost empty stomach. And while I had an amazing night, one text message just completely changed my mood, and next thing I know I’m sitting on a curb sobbing while spam calling the fuck out of someone and saying shit that I don’t even remember now. While this is not me saying I’m going to quit drinking, or that I’m against drinking or anything, this is me admitting that acting like this is not okay. Its okay to feel pain and sadness, that doesn’t mean you need to down entire bottles to your face. Its okay to also want to party and have a good time, that also doesn’t mean you need to down an entire bottle to your face.

Life is weird and its scary how events and alcohol can change you. When I’m sober I’m fairly quiet, I sometimes keep to myself, I like doing things to support my friends and make other people happy. I like baking things for my coworkers, and cooking in general. I like going to concerts, and actually being able to remember them. I like having drinks with friends, but there’s such a difference between having a few drinks in a positive environment, and downing way more than you should and turning into a monster.

A really close friend told me that I run from my problems. I ignore them and just hope they’ll go away. I can admit that for the most part, that is true. I let the fear of getting hurt more turn me away from confronting someone, talking it out, solving an issue. This is what I’ve done for a few months now, and look what it turned me into. I’m so beyond embarrassed of how I’ve been to certain people the past little while.

So this is my open apology to everyone who I’ve hurt, who I’ve annoyed, pissed off, worried, just everyone who has had to deal with me the past two months or so. I’m sorry, and I’m so thankful for the ones who stuck by my side and tried their hardest to support me even when I refused to support myself.

I don’t know if this was my rock bottom, but I’m hoping it was, because that means I can only go up from here.

– Sarah

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