Ever since i was 13/14, I always wanted to be one of the popular scene girls online, and when I finally achieved that goal there was no denying the reality: I was unpopular in school.
I was never the most popular kid growing up, but I was definitely well liked and had a large group of friends. I was always at someone’s house, had someone over, or would be out on the street playing with neighbours. I never started having problems with friends until grade 4, but even then it was more just back and forth friendships over things that probably didn’t even really matter. The worst thing that had had ever really happened to a friendship was once in grade 7 I pulled out a friends headphone so he’d listen to me, and he punched me in the chest. But we were all so young at the time that we forgot about problems within a week because we didn’t really care and they weren’t real issues.
It’s harder to forget a problem when it’s written in sharpie in public.
In grade 8 I experienced public hate for me for the first time. MySpace was just becoming a thing, and myself and my group of friends were the “scene kids” of our middle school. Boy oh boy, those were some messy ass friendships. Someone didn’t like a song? No longer friends. Someone said your outfit looked bad? No longer friends. Oh but they liked it the next day? Friends again. Let’s all admit, middle school is a fucking weird time. There was one girl that I knew talked badly about me, and everyone knew me and her disliked each other. I’m also 90% sure she stole my brand new checkered belt in gym class, but whatever. I also have a feeling she may have been behind this.
On the public park everyone hung out with, there it was. Hadn’t even had my first kiss and I was being called a hoe and whore, but whatever. It was grade 8. While it was weird to see myself and the friends who were also written about went on with our lives and laughed it off.
Entering high school, I had a decent amount of friends and got along with everyone. It wasn’t until grade 10 that shit really started going downhill for me. Suddenly my style was too much, and everyone I knew with a different style kind of stopped talking to me. My school didn’t really have a lot of “scene kids” in it, so over time and over MySpace I became friends with local people in my area, and I quickly found myself with more friends outside of school than in. I became pretty good friends with a guy two years older than me in school, and we quickly got called the “scene king & queen of Meadowvale.” A few girls a year older than me really did not like me though, and I’ll never know why. They would yell out things such as “scene whore” and “bittie” in the hallways, and I had no fucking clue what a bittie even was.
Well, apparently, it was me.
So, remember in my last post how all I wanted was that good ol’ internet fame? Well apparently I fucking got what I asked for. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I became an Urban Dictionary definition. Now, let me just defend myself for a second and say that half of that shit written isn’t even true, but that didn’t matter. That fucking post got shown to everyone. (And to this day is still published.)
You know those situations that happen and suddenly everyone knows about them? That’s how things were with the Urban Dictionary post, and I was so fucking beyond embarrassed. I have reported that thing so many god damn times and it never got removed. Even now if I see a Urban Dictionary book, I go through it to make sure the word and definition aren’t in them. Thankfully, it never has been.
So I was already the girl with somewhat weird style compared to the rest of my school and now, on top of that, I was the girl on Urban Dictionary.
So I started skipping.
I had more friends outside of school anyways, so I’d skip MY school so I could hang out at THEIR schools. I asked my mom countless times to let me transfer high schools, but she never let me. Through grade 10 until grade 12 my skipping would get worse and worse. I’m pretty sure by the end of grade 12 I never went to a full day of school, maybe one or two classes a day if that. There was another time in high school, I want to say grade 11 or 12, that one of the school washrooms had something bad written about me on every single stall door. You would think as people got older, they’d grow out of doing immature things like writing about people in public.
I mean, it just wouldn’t be the end of high school without some fresh graffiti about you, right? As I said, by the end of grade 12 I hated my high school so much, had barely any friends in it, and I missed over a third of my classes. Honestly, I hate myself for that. I feel like its partially because of how much I skipped that I never figured out really what I want to do with my life. I skipped so much that I am in no fucking way “book smart” and sadly I am well aware of how dumb I can come off as. I don’t know things that everyone else seems to know. People say words to me and I have to secretly Google them. I can’t talk to you about space, politics, anything intellectual. I’m seen as an airhead who only likes girly shit like makeup and “drama” when the reality is I fucking hate drama. I’ve had people say they can’t have real conversations with me and that I’m too dumb for relationships. Honestly it fucking breaks my heart because if I could go back in time and not skip so much, I would, but unfortunately I can’t do that. I can’t change the things I’ve done, and it seems I can’t change how people see me. To some I will always be that stupid 15 year old scene queen who didn’t give a shit about anything but becoming popular online.
So yeah, high school wasn’t the greatest for me. The January after I graduated, myself, my mom, and her ex moved to Cambridge. (Which is where I met Cole who used to run this blog with me!) I used to visit Mississauga almost every weekend, staying at my best friends house and partying with all my friends. But unfortunately from feeling depressed all the time from moving away I drank way too much and made some stupid decisions. In the end I ended up losing all of my friends, some were my fault but most I just distanced myself from and I assumed there were no hard feelings.
Yet for some reason, almost half a year after distancing myself from everyone and minding my own business in a whole other city, there was my name on an ex-friends Twitter with all my other ex-friends laughing about it. People I hadn’t talked to in over half a year. Who I didn’t even have on social media. Who, for the most part, didn’t have a direct personal reason to dislike me.
I am constantly getting told that I take things too personally, I over react, I’m too sensitive. Unfortunately years of putting up with bullshit like this can kind of break a person down a bit. I’m the type of person who assumes everyone dislikes me. I think the worst about myself and assumes everyone else does too. I assume everyone sees me as some dumb girl who loves drama, or that I’m just some random chick who’s just kind of there and not really important to anyone’s life. There have been times where I’ve broken down and completely flipped shit over nothing (in my defence – it’s usually only when I’m drunk) and I hate that side of me. I still feel the effects of high school and I’ve been out of it for 6 years.
No matter who you are, people are going to dislike you. You truly cannot please everyone, and that’s okay. That being said, there is also always going to be people who you dislike. But I seriously doubt there is ever a real reason why you need to slander someones name online for no reason, or on a park.
But let’s also be honest, when you’re able to talk shit anonymously, that’s when the real problems begin.